what the heck!

So its 2:41 am and i still cant see Morfeo showing up anytime soon... either way im gonna use this as a scape... as it has always been for me...
to set the record straight, this 'blog' started right when i turned 18... 2 days later to be precise... as a scape from my 'real.local.immediate' scenery, due to the fact that i had none to share my passion for stuff... or lack of it as well... i have friends, but back then they were just not interested in other things rather than boys and... boys...
my friends are younger than me... some are still in high school... i love them to death, but they just dont get me... i cant share some stuff with them (sometimes the things that make my day are just unimportant for them, im not complaining just explaining ok?) so that is the reason i have this... its been a personal diary, perhaps not a very wordy one, but it sure brings me back to the day when the photos where taken... it was never my intention to use this as a platform to showcase myself and get worldwidefamous nor to get u 'jealous' of the things i've achieved (if i have been available to obtain certain objects its not because im a brat... i have either saved or worked in order to afford them)(i just needed to let that out cuz i got a mean mail from someone i have no idea who that is but i quite thank for because i had no idea that was the message i was sending, thanks for letting me know Ü)
i've been quite unease this past few days (and today i realized coffee is not helpful) i dont like my bed room... i mean i chose the furniture back when i was a teen and sure my needs (and likes) have changed... so a major makeover will happen... i cant stand this situation any longer (i wish i could have my own place, but i need to get a real job first...)
i left my heart in NY... its that place where i sure felt like home... i mean i only spend a week there but it was enough to get me hooked... i miss it... ever since i watched tvseries (read SATC) i held certain fascination for the city... but it was only a dream... once i got there, i could not believe it... i remember i was talking to my mom that thursday (the week i was there) and i was so upset because i thought it was friday and we where leaving on sat... when i realized i had one more day i felt like if i was sentenced to death and cured miraculously... stupid but true...i plan to move there once i can set my self free from the 'responsibilities' that i have to fulfill here... cant wait.
music was my passion... i grew up listening to Britney. and the BackStreetBoys popshit but when i was a teenager (pfff i still am...) i got so hooked to alternative, brit, moody, indie(when indie was true) rock music... i even had a band (4 attempts actually)... that never happened...
since i was quite young (please note around 10-12) i had access to my parents obsession: decor mags... thats what got me started with my love for design... my mom's fashion ones helped too (i remember the shoes that caused quite an impression where Steffano Pilatti's first YSL collection ones ohhh if i ever get the chance...)
i remember i HATED my mom's closet items when i was growing up... i even helped her get rid of the stuff i regret the most... ok im not going there, not today... im not that sadomasochist...
if anything can make my day is the thrill of thrifting... ohhh its what makes me feel like a thief...  as if i was stealing or something, but im not to blame here... i've got so many items that cost a lot more than what i've actually paid for... and knowing that i'll treat the items right is maybe a way to know im not such a bad person after all... vain yes, evil not...
i am everything but sassy, flirty or sexy... i like to think my ManRepeller lessons have worked now (i kid i kid... im not proud for pushing everyone who cares for me away) its a serious thing here... i never show how i really feel... only when im about to collapse... (like my truckytruck... ive been trapped in this town for over a week now)
i truly believe information can either save you or damn you... our subconscious self can be quite a bitch when it comes to decision making... i believe we tend to have chaotic, self, destructive behaviors... inner demons we have to fight... not an easy task but a daily progress to be set free from them...
im weak... i tend to forget all the good things, its so easy to give up on the fight... sometimes i feel like i cant breathe... no matter how many breaths i take i feel choked... trapped, but somehow i get out of there (quite dark and spooky inner self) sometimes i wish i could know why and how i got there... nothing seems logical now...
what evs this is late, 3:23 now... ohh wait... 27 now... if i wrote anything messed up i dont give a fuck... its not meant to be for the whole world to see... night!